i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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