You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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