Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
