We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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