So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
