It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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