I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
