Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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