So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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