Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She needs sedatives and a leash
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
