I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
