I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
