What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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