Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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