Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
