Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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