that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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