Your dad touched me again.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
