what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
