mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
