in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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