When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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