You work out of a Hotel?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
