I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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