I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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