Fine. I'll sleep in my office
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
