I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My vagina is officially offended.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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