i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
