break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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