A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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