i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
