you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
3 2 1 whiskey
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
