Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
