I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
