i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
