I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
