I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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