i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
