she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
