You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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