If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
