Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
barbara walters just said penis...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I wish i was in the wii world.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
