I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
