So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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