i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
