NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
