I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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