Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
