one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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