I think i sorta joined a cult last night
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
