do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
