Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
