Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
